In the last few years I have counselled more than 1000 couples, I have observed that a few things are extremely important to understand in order to have a happy relationship.
Don’t be dependent on your partner for your happiness
The relationship is about two individuals, and these two individuals need to learn to be happy by themselves rather than expecting their partner to do things or behave in a certain way to make them happy.
Relationship is just one part of you like many other things in your life. There are eight important parts of your life work, financial freedom, hobbies, knowledge, health, social life, spirituality and relationship. In order to make the relationship successful it is essential to balance all these other parts of your life.
Relationship is not equal to life; it is integral but not the only thing
Do not expect your partner to behave as you want them to. Agree to disagree at times and be at peace with it
Each one of us come with a different set of belief and experiences. Our upbringing, parental and cultural values all contribute towards our responses and reactions. The problem happens in the relationship when both partners handle the situation in a different way and it's difficult for either of them to understand the reason for certain behaviour or response of the other person.
Try to understand the thought process rather than fighting over the point of difference. It’s ok to disagree, however, there should also be the comfort to mould your responses after understanding the positives and negatives of both the set of beliefs.
Acknowledge your partner’s efforts
We all live hectic lives, there are days and weeks when we are not able to do anything special for ourselves and in this scenario when your partner is doing something for you it should be acknowledged.
Most partners grudge about their efforts for the other person are not reciprocated or acknowledged and now they don’t feel like doing anything for this relationship. This attitude further creates the feeling of being disconnected and detached. Acknowledging the efforts of your partner not only adds warmth to the relationship it also motivates the persona to do the same behaviour again.
Neither be defensive nor be attacking
Many a time couples complain about not being able to communicate their feelings to their partner. This majorly happens when partners are being defensive or attacking in the conversation which further pushes the partner away from expressing their emotions and feelings. The partners should take turns talking about their feelings and understanding the fact that sometimes you have to just listen and validate a part of it without giving any suggestions. This would further make the other partner feel that they are being heard and this is a safe space where they can express themselves. It is important to create an environment of acceptance, empathy and understanding.
Stop moving against the partner, moving away from the partner and hanging on to the partner
Moving against the partner includes behaviour like fault-finding, criticising, demanding, inducing guilt etc. Moving away from the partner includes avoidance, withdrawal and defensiveness. Hanging on to the partner means pursuing, hovering and invading the partner’s privacy. All of it is extremely negative for the relationship.
Mansi