Marriage in Modern Times: What Are We Really Expecting From It?
Marriage today is very different from what it was for our parents’ generation. We expect our partner to be our companion, best friend, emotional support, romantic partner—and sometimes even someone who understands us without us having to say much.
With so many expectations, it is easy to forget that a good marriage is not about understanding each other perfectly. It is about staying connected to each other.
In my work with couples, I often see that the problem is not always a lack of love. Sometimes, couples have simply stopped noticing each other.
John Gottman calls these small moments “bids for connection.” It could be “Look what happened at work today,” “Can you sit with me for a few minutes?” or simply “I had a difficult day.”
What happens next matters.
Putting the phone down and saying, “Tell me,” is turning toward your partner. Repeatedly ignoring these small bids can slowly create emotional distance.
Over time, communication can turn into criticism and defensiveness:
“You never listen to me.”
“Because you are always complaining.”
And conversations that once created connection become arguments.
Gottman’s work also highlights patterns such as criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling, which can seriously affect a relationship when they become habitual.
But couples also need to learn repair attempts—“I’m sorry,” “Let’s start again,” or “I reacted badly.”
A healthy marriage is not one without conflict. It is one where two people learn how to repair, reconnect and turn toward each other again.
Sometimes, marriage needs less perfection and more presence.
Sometimes, the most important words are simply:
“I miss us. Can we find our way back to each other?”
Dr. Mansi Kothari, Psychologist, Relationship Expert & Personal Transformation Coach
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